So, I meant to do this the other day, but silly things like not existing in the work computers because HR got a wild hair up its butt and decided to terminate me, my permadeath contest over at zam (and my super uber screw up!), and having to drive to dallas for the kiddo's karate tourney kind of got in the way of blogging goodness.

On the other hand, I did manage to pull off the MMO Player's FAQ which just made me giggle like an idiot (sidebar: richard cheese's version of enter sandman is funny as shit go listen to it).

So I figured it was time to get my woman card revoked :)  Go me right?  I can always use more hate anyway.

The Woman FAQ

(At first I was just going to go with questions that are asked of us and to which we respond, but that just was too limiting... so now I've expanded it to questions we also ask and the answers we expect and all the neurotic shit that goes along with our reasons for asking in the first place.  Also, please note that this is deliberately and very tongue-in-cheekishly skewed to sound as bitter as humanly possible, because that's actually how it sounds in our heads while we're silently hating you.)

Q:  What's wrong?

A:  Nothing.  Of course something really is wrong, but I'm saying nothing for one of several reasons.  I might not be ready to talk about what's bothering me yet because it's still too fresh in my mind and therefore I know that I'm upset but not really why I'm upset and until I figure out what about it actually made me upset in the first place it's pointless for me to try to explain to you cause you'll just make it worse by trying to fix it instead of understanding and trying to help me get to the root of what's bugging me. 

Of course, I also could know exactly what's wrong but I don't want to talk to you about it because you're what's wrong and it's something I've talked to you about so many times now that I'm just frustrated and pissed off that you don't seem to care enough about me to remember that what you just did upsets me and that leads into a whole other seething cauldron of emotions because if you don't care enough about me to remember that one little thing do you really care about me at all and now I'm having to deal with all these questions about our relationship.

Then there's always the fact that I've already told you what was wrong and you either ignored me or didn't care enough to remember what was wrong and while I'm wanting comfort and to talk about it you were off involved in your own little piddly shit while I've been suffering so now on top of being uspet about whatever was originally wrong, now I'm mad at you because you let me down.  Again.

Q:  Does this make me look fat?

A:  There is no correct answer to this.  No matter how you answer it will be wrong.  It's really just a test to see what you think of us.  See, we already think we look fat in everything.  Even if we're 95 pounds soaking wet, we still think we look fat because society has conditioned us to think that we can only be attractive if we look like anorexic crack whores and of course since you're a man and you think with your dangly bits you buy into all that crap and stare at girls who look like something we couldn't look like even with the help of the best plastic surgeon on the face of the planet.  So really all this is, is our way of getting back at you for being a pig cause we get to ream you and be angry at you for however you answer this.  So just suck it up.  Btw...  without hesitation saying "Of course, not.  You're perfect and beautiful."  will ameliorate your suffering just a little.  You don't want to know what happens if you're stupid enough to hesitate or tell the truth...

Q:  Do you think she's pretty?

A:  Whilst this seems like a perfectly innocent question, any man with any experience at all will immediately hit the ejector seat button and run for safety.  This is another one with no right answer.  You're boned no  matter what you say.  Cause see, we saw you watching her.  And no you didn't just glance, assclown.  You gave yourself whiplash you watched her so hard.  So obviously you think she's pretty and you'd do her in a heartbeat.  What we really want to know is if you think she's prettier than us.  But of course you do because you're a man and you think you can get any hot chick out there even if you yourself are only barely presentable and should really be down on your knees thanking all the gods that ever existed or were worshipped that we are with you in the first place.  But because of the genetic drive to sow your seed everywhere you can, you are also blessed with the delusion that every woman in the world wants you.  We don't get this.  So now you have to suffer.

Q:  Is it okay if I go out with the guys?

A:  Sure.  Go.  See that right there?  Any guy with any experience would immediately call the guys and say "Dude... I can't.  I just screwed up huge and need to do major damage control."  Most guys, however, can't recognize the tell tale signs of danger.  We really need to come with rattles in our asses like snakes...  I think it'd be safer all around.  See, that answer right there?  What that really translates to is something along the lines of:  Sure... go out with your friends you jerk.  I hate you anyway.  Go get drunk and look at other women.  Course the sexy lingere that I bought to surprise you with tonight and the 62" TV that I got you for our ANNIVERSARY are going in the trash.  And while you're out ogling strippers I'll be out with the girls having sex with some random guy or maybe even GUYS because you are a total creep and couldn't be bothered to remember that we've been together for 10 years now.  So rather than waste any more time on your inconsiderate non-commital ass, when you do finally get home, all your shit will be on the lawn and the locks will be changed.  Go sleep on Bambi's couch you jerk.  No, really... she likes you for you.  Never mind that she's a stripper and the nicer she is to you the more money you give her.  You stupid piece of crap.

Q:  What do you want for (your birthday, our anniversary, christmas... whatever)?

A:  Oh, I don't want anything.  What this really means is that I don't want to have to tell you what to get me you lazy jerk.  You should be sitting there all year long thinking about me and what you can do to show me you really care and planning out some thoughtful gift.  That's what I do for you.  I'm sick and fucking tired of having you wait til the last minute and having to go out and get my own damn gift and wrap it and give it to myself for you because you can't be bothered to drag yourself away from that oh so much more important model airplane to think for a second about all the things that I do for you all damn year and you can't spend 10 freaking minutes to observe that I nearly creamed my jeans over the new video card or quad core processor?  The least you can do is watch a commercial and be lame and go with the generic jewelry thing if you can't exercise a whole damn brain cell to think about me or anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are we getting the general idea here?  Everything we say or think ends up having at least 800 other hidden meanings somewhere in there.  Course everything YOU say also ends up having at least 800 other meanings and our minds are constantly racing.

Some women are cool enough to spell it out for you.  These are women who have had a lot of experience.  Been married, been in a long relationship... whatever.  They've learned.  Make it simple.  Make them go back and repeat it back to you to make sure it stuck...  You know.  Like you're talking to a five year old.

The rest of the time is spent in a morass of self doubt and total frustration...  And people wonder why there are communication issues lol.